It’s Time for Principles of Non-Violent Communication

At the conclusion of a rancorous election cycle in the Disunited States, Great Brexit, and forthcoming elections in Europe that may also note a growing divide, I wanted to share principles of communication that inform how I attempt to communicate. The below is a cheat sheet I created based on the ground breaking work of Marshall Rosenberg and his Nonviolent Communication. I highly recommend this book, and I hope those that monitor his copyright appreciate that I am sharing these principles to increase their use, and not for personal profit. Please also take a look at Rosenberg’s extensive body of work, I believe he is one of the truly inspiring people on the planet.

Take it from me, that these principles are difficult to implement in practice, but they are not impossible. I think the difficulty comes from our world’s rapid march toward violent communication, which I think is another way of saying that no one listens to anyone else anymore, so confident are we in the superiority of our values. If we are to return to a sense of unity, but acknowledgment of differences, I think this is one possible vehicle. Thank you to both Kim Ann Curtin and Michael J. Gelb who were the first to alert me to Rosenberg’s work.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

• The 4 NVC Components:
  • Observations: The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being.
  • Feelings: How we feel in relation to what we observe.
  • Needs: The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings.
  • Requests: The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives.
• Two ways to use The 4 NVC Components:
  • Expressing honestly
  • Receiving empathically
• Types of Communication That Blocks Compassion:
  • Moralistic Judgments
    • In the world of judgments, our concern centers on “who is what.”
    • Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values.
    • Classifying and judging people promotes violence.
  • Making Comparisons: Comparisons are a form of judgment.
  • Denial of Responsibility
    • Our language obscures awareness of personal responsibility.
    • We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.
    • We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.
  • Making Demands: We can never make people do anything.
  • Assessing Who “Deserves” What: Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassionate communication.
• Observing Without Evaluating
  • When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism.
  • Example 1: Use of verb to be without indication that the evaluator takes responsibility for the evaluation.
    • Bad: “You are too generous.”
    • Good: When I see you give all your lunch money to others, I think you are being too generous.
  • Example 2: Use of verbs with evaluative connotations.
    • Bad: “Doug procrastinates.”
    • Good: “Doug only studies for exams the night before.”
  • Example 3: Implication that one’s inferences about another person’s thoughts, feelings, intentions, or desires are the only ones possible.
    • Bad: “She won’t get her work in.”
    • Good: “I don’t think she’ll get her work in.”
  • Example 4: Confusion of prediction with certainty.
    • Bad: “If you don’t eat balanced meals, your health will be impaired.”
    • Good: “If you don’t eat balanced meals, I fear your health may be impaired.”
  • Example 5: Failure to be specific about referents.
    • Bad: “Immigrants don’t take care of their property.”
    • Good: “I have not seen the immigrant family living at 1679 Ross shovel the snow on their sidewalk.”
  • Example 6: Use of words denoting ability without indicating that an evaluation is being made.
    • Bad: “Hank Smith is a poor soccer player.”
    • Good: “Hank Smith has not scored a goal in twenty games.”
  • Example 7: Use of adverbs and adjectives in ways that do not indicate an evaluation has been made.
    • Bad: “Jim is ugly.”
    • Good: “Jim’s looks don’t appeal to me.”
• Identifying and Expressing Feelings
  • Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.
  • Ways of expressing that confuse feelings with thoughts:
    • “I feel that…”
    • “I feel like…”
    • “I feel as if…”
    • “I feel I…”
    • “I feel it…”
    • “I feel you…”
    • “I feel he…”
    • “I feel she…”
    • “I feel Amy…”
    • “I feel my boss…”
  • Real feelings can be expressed directly without using the use of the word “feel;” for example, “I am scared” instead of “I feel that I am scared.”
  • Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us.  Examples…
    • “I feel unimportant to the people with whom I work.”
    • “I feel misunderstood.”
    • “I feel ignored.”
  • Words that sound like feelings, but are our interpretations of others: Abandoned, abused, attacked, betrayed, boxed-in, bullied, cheated, coerced, co-opted, cornered, diminished, distrusted, interrupted, intimidated, let down, manipulated, misunderstood, neglected, overworked, patronized, pressured, provoked, put down, rejected, taken for granted, threatened, unappreciated, unheard, unseen, unsupported, unwanted, used.
• Take Responsibility for Our Feelings
  • 4 options for receiving negative messages:
    • 1. Blame ourselves.
    • 2. Blame others.
    • 3. Sense our own feelings and needs.
    • 4. Sense others’ feelings and needs.
  • Sensing our own feelings and needs.
    • Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel…because I need…”
    • Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt.
  • Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.
  • If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.
  • Examples of human needs:
    • Autonomy: choosing dreams, goals, values
    • Celebration: of the creation of life and fulfilled dreams; and losses of loved ones or of dreams
    • Integrity: authenticity, creativity, meaning, self-worth
    • Interdependence: acceptance, appreciation, closeness, community, consideration, enrichment of life, emotional safety, empathy, honesty, love, reassurance, respect, support, trust, understanding, warmth
    • Physical nurturance: air, food, exercise, safety, rest, sexuality, shelter, touch, water
    • Play: fun, laughter
    • Spiritual communion: beauty, harmony, inspiration, order, peace
  • If we don’t value our needs, others may not either.
  • Stages of emotional liberation:
    • 1. Emotional slavery.  We see ourselves responsible for others’ feelings.
    • 2. The obnoxious stage.  We feel angry; we no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings.
    • 3. Emotional liberation. We take responsibility for our intentions and actions.
• Requesting That Which Would Enrich Life
  • Use clear, positive, concrete action language when making requests.
  • Make requests consciously as we are often not conscious of what we are requesting.
  • Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs.
  • Ask for a reflection to make sure the message you sent is the message that’s received.
  • Request honest feedback after expressing yourself vulnerably.
  • Request, don’t demand, because when people hear demands they only have two choices: submit or rebel.
    • To tell if it’s a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.
    • It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes, judges, or lays a guilt trip.
    • It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person’s needs.
  • Objective when making requests is a relationship based on honesty and empathy.
• Receiving Empathically
  • Empathy: Emptying our mind and listening with our whole being.
  • Ask before offering advice or reassurance.
  • Intellectual understanding blocks empathy.
  • Four steps of receiving empathically…No matter what others say, we only hear what they are:
    • 1. Observing
    • 2. Feeling
    • 3. Needing
    • 4. Requesting
  • Paraphrase the speakers’ messages when it contributes to greater compassion and understanding.
  • Reflect back messages that are emotionally charged.
  • Behind intimidating messages are merely people appealing to us to meet their needs.
  • A difficult message becomes an opportunity to enrich someone’s life.
  • We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when:
    • 1. We sense a release of tension
    • 2. The flow of words comes to a halt
• The Power of Empathy
  • Empathy allows us “to re-perceive [our] world in a new way and to go on.”
  • It’s harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status, or resources.
  • The more we empathize with the other party, the safer we feel.
  • We “say a lot” by listening for other people’s feelings and needs.
  • Rather than put your “but” in the face of an angry person, empathize.
  • When we listen for feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.
  • It may be difficult to empathize with those who are closest to us.
  • Empathizing with someone’s “no” protects us from taking it personally: Because of our tendency to read rejection into someone else’s “no” and “I don’t want to…,” these are important messages for us to be able to empathize with.  If we take them personally, we may feel hurt without understanding what’s actually going on within the other person.  When we shine the light of consciousness on the feelings and needs behind someone else’s “no,” however, we become cognizant of what they are wanting that prevents them from responding as we would like.
  • Empathize with silence by listening for the feelings and needs behind it.
  • Empathy lies in our ability to be present.
• Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves
  • NVC’s most important use may be in developing self-compassion.
  • We use NVC to evaluate ourselves in ways that engender growth rather than self-hatred.
  • Avoid shoulding yourself; i.e. “I should have…” or “I should…”
  • Self-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.
  • NVC mourning: connecting with the feelings and unmet needs stimulated by past actions we now regret.
  • NVC self-forgiveness: connecting with the need we were trying to meet when we took the action that we now regret.
  • We are compassionate with ourselves when we are able to embrace all parts of ourselves and recognize the needs and values expressed by each part.
  • We want to take action out of the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation.
  • With every choice you make, be conscious of what need it serves.
  • Be conscious of actions motivated by the desire for money or approval, and by fear, shame, or guilt.  Know the price you pay for them.
  • The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things “because we’re supposed to.”
• Expressing Anger Fully
  • Killing, hitting, blaming, hurting others – whether physically or emotionally – are all superficial expressions of what is going on within us when we are angry.  If we are truly angry, we would want a more powerful way to fully express ourselves.
  • Distinguishing stimulus from cause:
    • The first step to fully expressing anger in NVC is to divorce the other person from any responsibility for our anger.  We rid ourselves of thoughts such as, “He (or she or they) made me angry when they did that.”
    • Such thinking leads us to express our anger superficially by blaming or punishing the other person.  The behavior of others may be a stimulus for our feelings, but not the cause.
    • We are never angry because of what someone else did.
    • We can identify the other person’s behavior as the stimulus, but it is important to establish a clear separation between stimulus and cause.
  • Where guilt is a tactic of manipulation and coercion it confuses stimulus and cause.
  • Anger is generated when we find fault and choose to play God by judging or blaming the other person for being wrong or deserving punishment.  So the cause of anger is located in our own being.
  • When we judge others, we contribute to violence.  Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.  Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies.
  • Use anger as a wake-up call.  When we become aware of our needs – as communicated by our anger – then anger gives was to life-serving feelings.
  • Four options when hearing a difficult message:
    • 1. Blame ourselves
    • 2. Blame others
    • 3. Sense our own feelings and needs
    • 4. Sense others’ feelings and needs
  • Steps to expressing anger:
    • 1. Stop. Breathe.
    • 2. Identify our judgmental thoughts.
    • Connect with our needs.
    • Express our feelings and unmet needs.
  • The more we hear them, the more they’ll hear us.
  • Stay conscious of the violent thoughts that arise in your mind without judging them.
  • When we hear another person’s feelings and needs, we recognize our common humanity.
  • Our need is for the other person to truly hear our pain.
  • People do not and cannot hear our pain when they believe they are at fault.
  • Practice translating each judgment into an unmet need.  Take your time.
• The Protective Use of Force
  • We must differentiate between the protect and the punitive uses of force.
  • The intention behind the protective use of force is only to protect, not to punish, blame, or condemn.
  • Punishment also includes judgmental labeling and the withholding of privileges.
  • When we fear punishment, we focus on consequences, not on our own values.  Fear of punishment also diminishes self-esteem and goodwill.
  • Two questions that reveal the limitations of punishment:
    • 1. What do I want this person to do?
    • 2. What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing it?
• Liberating Ourselves and Counseling Others
  • We can liberate ourselves from cultural conditioning.
  • Focus on what you want to do rather than what went wrong.
  • Defuse stress by hearing our own feelings and needs.
  • Defuse stress by empathizing with others.